There were two major changes that occurred in my life this year and in both instances, I had been most grateful. First was that my mother and me were able to move into a more permanent home. In some way, a step towards stability finally. Second, in early August I came to New York City to fulfill a masters degree, with the generous support of certain persons. (For sure, I am firmly indebted to them well into middle-age.)
The latter half of this year has been very fruitful and I am inspired to work better and to lay some kind of ground for me to walk on.
What else can I say? I am working towards giving myself a better situation as a writer in a new city. Making space for myself where I know people will think twice before giving it to me or will deny it completely. I don’t think anything drastic will change for the better next year and, as everyone knows, it seems to be getting worse. But we march on and undergo transformations as we overcome struggle.
In certain situations, I had responded with less grace. A kind of porousness in character, which I think arises when I feel a mixture of shyness, fear, social myopia, and the need to protect myself. A mixture turned into surfeit by my stubborn nature and the need to be at all times ‘optimistic’. Or, perhaps, sunny. It is difficult to reach out, to navigate through an ocean of various and often clashing personalities. But here, I know I need to reach a little more. To dive deeper without losing the band of light; here, what I see in my mind are the golden borders in manuscripts, lush vignette borders…
In a little Instagram game, I came upon two words which I think would be worthy pegs for next year: Grounding and Magic. In a sense that, when I reach into my coat pockets, I find all that I need to navigate around the city. In a sense that, when I think deeply of something, I am also able to paint in writing a level with which I may see the entire world and define or defend it in a way that is considerate, fair, ethical, equitable for all other views involved.
Really, all I ever hope for is to be kinder and more thoughtful, generous. And maybe get a long warm hug because it is too damn cold.